you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
