Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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