It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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