The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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