Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
