i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This girl is more easily done than said...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
