she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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