I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
