My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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