Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
