I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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