Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
