Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
