Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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