Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
