i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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