just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
