I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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