it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
