...so i touched it.
Duck Duck Cougar?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
