tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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