i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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