Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
