i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
