I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
