My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
