I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
