I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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