Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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