I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
