just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
