Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
