laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
