Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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