ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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