Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
