I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
