I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
