new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
