I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
