a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
