normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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