he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think I sprained my soul last night
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
