I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Randomize
