We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
It was confusing and full of hummus
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
