Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
