We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
