I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
