Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
