my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
